My name is Carlos, and I speak Spanish and English. Regarding my family and how I grew up, I am the middle child of three kids. I have an older sister who is eight years older, and a younger brother who is two years younger. I was born in a very small town in northern Chile, a mining town with a mining population. It was like a city, a little masculine and macho. I come from a family with humble beginnings. I grew up seeing my parents working hard, and I think I adopted this idea of earning things, trying hard, and working hard to achieve the things you want.

I’ve been living in Australia for four years now, and the hardest part has been learning to live without my family. The fact that what it meant to be queer wasn’t discussed, I don’t know if it affected my mental health, but it did affect my self-esteem. Not feeling valid, not feeling like I had worth as who I was made me question my existence and whether what people felt for me, the relationships I had, depended on who I pretended to be.

I grew up with the fear of losing my loved ones if they found out who I really was.

Growing up in a very sexist mining town affected my self-esteem because I never knew anyone who was proudly out and queer. The people I saw were victims of bullying, had very low self-esteem, or did poorly in school. I never saw myself represented in anyone, and that made me feel like I didn’t belong. It also made me doubt the people I was surrounded by because I didn’t know if they loved me for who I pretended to be or for who I truly am.

When we talk about access to mental health, there are two factors that I believe need to be considered. One is whether people are willing to seek help. In my own case, I grew up surrounded by people I care about very much, who all had difficulties at some point, and I think that those people always reached their limit before asking for help. That conditioned me to also not ask for help at first, but rather only when I was on the verge of losing everything.

When we talk about access to mental health, there are two factors that I believe need to be considered. One is whether people are willing to seek help. In my own case, I grew up surrounded by people I care about very much, who all had difficulties at some point, and I think that those people always reached their limit before asking for help. That conditioned me to also not ask for help at first, but rather only when I was on the verge of losing everything.

The other affecting factor is the socioeconomic issue. In Chile, mental health, like healthcare in general, is a business, and if you don’t have access to good specialists, unfortunately, taking care of your mental health is not an option. So, there’s the social issue, the economic issue, and I believe that not only in Chile but also in South America, it’s a privilege to be able to talk about mental health.

The cultural aspects that I bring from Latin America that help my mental health are my connection to family and friendship. The way we relate is very close, very touch-oriented, it’s about hugging, touching, talking a lot, and I feel like that helps me a lot with my mental health. Whenever I need to, I can turn to my friends or family and talk for hours if necessary. That’s something I haven’t seen here, and it’s something I really value and can always count on my family or friends for.

Among the many things my family did to improve our mental health, we started going to a prayer group, which turned out to be a cult where we had a spiritual guide who was really only after money. Yes, this person had a lot of knowledge, and I feel that he helped me a lot in a way, and I also saw how my family benefited from it. I think that’s why, at first, we didn’t notice that it was a cult we were getting involved in. But managing to get out of there was complicated because you relate to people who are very vulnerable, and you create strong bonds with people that you also don’t want to leave behind.

I left that cult because I felt like I was being discriminated against for being gay. I remember they told me they could ‘heal me,’ and for me, that was the red flag that made me realize what was happening. The fact of having been in a cult is not something that I find easy to share because I felt like an idiot for having fallen into those traps that are everywhere in the world. Feeling like a victim of that and not having been smart enough also affects your self-esteem a bit.

Obviously, now I can talk about it without shame because I understand the circumstances and why it all happened, but I do empathize a lot with people who have gone through similar things, and I’m also happy to have been able to get out of that.

When I was diagnosed with HIV, it was the first time I went to a psychologist here in Australia. This was a service provided in English, and it was my first experience going to a psychologist in English. While I didn’t have to worry about the expenses or administrative issues, it was very difficult for me to talk about what I was going through in English. I felt that a lot of the energy I was investing in the sessions was spent explaining my culture and expressing myself in ways that I find much easier in Spanish.

Yes, I feel like it helped me, but I also missed the part of being able to speak in Spanish, where I didn’t have to explain things or worry about what a word was in English, but could rather have a free-flowing conversation. Speaking in two languages also affects your personality at times. I’m a bit colder in English than in Spanish, and I think it’s something not purely linguistic, but more cultural, like it’s ingrained in the language—I don’t know.

When I first spoke in English, my English was good, more or less, but I struggled to find words. However, once I got used to thinking or dreaming in English, I felt like it wasn’t a barrier anymore.

I did find, however, that it was more difficult to talk about emotions, and looking into it, I’ve realized that Spanish has many more words to express love or other emotions compared to English.

Obviously, things can get lost in translation, and the literal translation isn’t always the one that fits. In the middle of a discussion or when you’re opening your heart, you don’t have time to make these distinctions, and that’s when these communication challenges become complicated. But I believe that with patience, it can be resolved.

I’m a person who moves a lot. I’m very calm, but I have a lot of energy, and I’m always doing things. I’ve noticed that being active helps my mental health, especially when I’m waiting for a response or feeling anxious. The only thing that helps me calm my mind sometimes is doing physical activity, and my favourite thing to do is ride my bike. I don’t remember when I started riding a bike, but it has been my means of transportation for many, many years. It’s something that really helps me stay present, in a way, being in contact with nature, feeling the wind on my face. The idea that if you stop moving, you fall off a bike is something I keep in my head when I’m riding.

While there are other physical activities, I do that also help me, I use my bike every day. It has an impact financially, economically, and environmentally; it helps me in many ways, but essentially, for my mental health, it’s the moment when I’m with myself. Many times, I forget that I’m riding a bike, but it helps me a lot. I can’t imagine life without my bike.

Another aspect I find important for mental health is our social environment—who we hang out with, who listens to us, who is there in both good and bad times. I’ve found many friends, people I love, in the queer community. Like today, we’re at one of my favourite bars here in Melbourne, Pride of Our Footscray, and I feel welcome in these spaces because they are safe, there are people like me, and I like the music. Finding a place where you can go and find people like you makes you feel less alone. You all dance together even if you don’t know anyone. That’s why I like to come with friends to places like this.

What I hope for my mental health in the future is that it remains as strong as ever. I think of myself as a resilient person; every time I have faced new challenges in life, I have surprised myself with how well I have dealt with them, and I hope that continues. I know life is not always easy, that bad things may happen in the future, but I hope to maintain a positive attitude.